Joe Stains

This is the blog of an angry old boston terrier. (and his little brother Tanner who gets to post every Tuesday)

Saturday, October 31, 2009

THE MAN is on to me...

All this week Mom and Dad have been talking about going on vacation. We aren't even going to PRETEND that we thought WE were going because I know better than that by now. And hey, we get to stay with Gram and Gramps and they are TREAT DISPENSING MACHINES. Crap, I am yelling like Tanner.

So in addition to the vacation talk, they have been talking about getting Tanner and I chips. I thought, cool Gram and Gramps will be giving us lots of tasty chips as treats.

Tanner was trying to figure out which chips he liked best, I definitely like the Lays.

Then this morning Mom dragged me out of bed into the FREEZING cold truck (Note from Mom, it was about 50 degrees) and said, lets go get your chips! MORE chips?? PAWESOME.

Then, somehow we were at the VET. We were whisked into the back and INJECTED with some kind of tracking device big brother is watching mark of the beast MICRO CHIP. WTF?!?!?!?

We are now part of 'the system'. omdog. If the Yankees lose today, this might go down as the worst possible day ever.

Thursday, October 29, 2009



At first I could barely watch and Tanner was doing some strange MIND MELD thing with his (so called) Twinnerer Scooter. He said they were trying to make the Yankees win by sending some kind of mind meld thoughts or SOMETHING. I can't understand either of those two when they get going.

My Philly friends, Murphy and Wally seem to think that a bet involving treats should be made. Murphy also wanted to bet that if the Yankees lost I'd have to paint my toenails red and blue. FORGET THAT! There is no stinkin way Mom could get me to hold still long enough for that. BUT a snack bet is on. Wally wants Carne Asada if the Yankees lose, but that might be kind of hard to ship, but we can work something out.

My fluffy tail friend Khyra doesn't seem like a betting gal, but I am guessing she did not enjoy the loss tonight.

As you can see, I am still kind of digesting the win, it was a TENSE game. Next game is SATURDAY!?! Tomorrow, I can rest.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009



I was so upset that I actually let Tanner console me...until I saw Mom with the camera. Stupid pupperazzi!!

Dad is already convinced the Yankees are done for, I am more confident in them than that. omdog. I am going to go pace for a while, then cry, then sleep.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Joe stains reports on the YANKEES!!!

Guys, I seriously cannot believe that I am going to get to see the Yankees in another World Series. I am sad that they are playing some of my good friends' team, and I am sorry that they will have to lose. BOL.

I was so nervous before the last game that I was sort of just staring off into space, imagining another World Series chamionship...

"Ok Derek Jeter, I'd be happy to wear your world championship ring since I am the BIGGEST Yankee fan ever..."

Woah, sorry I sort of spaced out for a second there...

The game was so intense that most times I could barely look.

Then I had to invent something called the 7th inning snooze as I was totally spent from cheering so much.

But in the end, they WON! The Yankees are going to the WORLD SERIES. It starts tomorrow guys, I cannot wait. I might not sleep tonight...OK ya I will :)

Here is a movie of me watching the celebration after the game, it was pawesome.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Tanner Serenaaaade...

OMDOG guys, those Yankees TOTALLY won.

I was pretty bored because, I like those Dbacks and they were definitely NOT going to that World Series.

Then I got real excitered because Mom said that my human cousins who live in that PENNSYLVANIA, but not the side those Phillies live on, made a SONG about TANNER!

THAT IS ME GUYS. I was real excited til I realized that I think JOEY paid them off because the name of the song is DUMB DOG TANNER!! WTF?!??!?!

The boy human cousin is CLEARLY wearing a disguiseration with those glasses and hood so he doesn't end up on my HIT LIST for saying I am dumb. BUT the rest of the song is pretty good, so I will forgive them. AND they are pretty cuterest. Those humans Mom is my Mom's sister and the other day her GALL BLADDER totally attacked her, can you even believe it?! I am going to go online to see how to ATTACK BACK because just like Dennis that red dog, I am Tan Torkelson and I never give up...until its bed time then I just sort of put it off til I wake up. SOOO if while I am sleeping you can send some healing vibes to that bladder of gall and my human aunt I WOULD LOVE THAT.


Sunday, October 25, 2009


Earlier I was watching the Steelers and there were so many tense moments I could barely take it.

I FREAKED out and started running all over and then I started getting nervous for the Yankees game...

Ok I am ready can we please just get the game started?!?!

OMDOG OMDOG. If you don't care who wins cheer those Yankees for me!!!

Friday, October 23, 2009

An apology and a video...

We are sorry that we have not been around to visit all our doggy friends recently, but Mom and Dad got free passes to the Arizona Fall League and have been going to every game they can.

This league is all the best Minor league prospects for all the MLB teams. So Mom and Dad get to be up close and personal with the future stars of the league...

Like Brandon Allen from Mom's Dbacks.

And the number one pick...

Stephen Strasburg.

There are even some Japanese players this year...

In the time that Mom and Dad are home, we are trying to get Tanner into an exercise regime, but he just will not cooperate!! You will see my efforts in the following movie...

badonkadonk from Rhonda on Vimeo.

We promise to visit blogs this weekend. MOm has already gone through about 100 of the 279 blogs she had in her reader. She is so lazy and said she will do the rest tomorrow and Sunday. WHATEVER lady.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Exercise, Doofus Style

Tanner was still not convinced that he was overweight, so I had Mom show him the following photo...

HOLY BADONKADONK that is a big booty!

Tanner then stuck his tongue out at me and called me some HBO words.

So to help him with his exercise I stuffed his corn inside this blue thing...

As you can see, this is a good exercise toy as it has him very perplexed.

He then said that he was EXHAUSTERATED (where does he get these words??) so he had to get some sleep...

He is even a Doofus when he sleeps.

How is that even comfortable????

Now, since I am sure you are sick of looking at Tanner, here is a picture of me...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tanner FAT Tuesday!

OMDOG so that Joey says I am FAT. WTF??!?!?!!

I was kind of getting sadderest about that and was thinking HARD about losing that weight. (I was also MAD because Mom had just cleaned my ears which is why they are all gooky looking) I thought I would do some exercising with my toys.



He said be quiet and knock it off because he was TIRED from watching that baseball.

Hmph, well this losing weight stuff is HARD and I am keeping ONE eye on this toy because I don't think it is helping me with that exercising.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

omdog baseball

So yesterday the Yankees played the Angels in game 2 of the American League Championship Series. For those dogs who don't know about baseball, this is the series before the World Series, which if they win is like getting best in show or getting an entire steak AND a pizza all for yourself.

Normally, the games are 9 innings and are over in about 3 hours. WELL yesterday the game was over 5 hours and lasted 13 innings. It was crazy. Dad and I were so stressed and Dad was doing weird ninja moves and yelling...BUT the Yankees WON!!!

Today, Dad and I are pretty tired after all that yelling and stress.

I still have to be on guard duty, but I am definitely glad the Yankees didn't play today because I didn't have a lot of energy.

I did manage to strike a very sexy pose for my Sophie, but other than that, I just rested. Yankees play tomorrow so I am off to get some more sleep.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Weighty issues...

I have been bored with not moving around a lot so I don't over heat so I thought I would do some reading. Look what I found in the magazine that comes from my VET.

This chart shows dogs by body condition. Well I know that I am slim and fit...

Check out my curves!! I am IDEAL. (I would probably say I am SUPER AWESOME but that doesn't seem to be on the chart anywhere)

Lets take a look at Tanner...

FAT KID!!!! Mom said now that it is not so hot she is going to walk him more so he loses some weight (and she does too). I think I should also get his serving of dinner for a few weeks!! How do you guys rank on the condition chart?? I don't see anything on there for relentlessly huge dogs or dogs that will not be named but have HUUUUGE behinds.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hot Dogs

So it's hot here in AZ again, going to be 100 degrees this weekend and our big AC broke. Luckily we have a little AC in the front of the house and its in the 60s at night. We will be getting a new heating and AC unit next week.

Until then, I think it is best to conserve energy so I don't over heat. (Note from Mom: with the small AC unit the temp never really gets about 85 so the dogs are in no danger of overheating. Unless you are a drama queen like Joey)

I will only sit up to watch my Yankees.

Meanwhile old big tongue Tanner is panting because he is a DOOFUS and can't stop doing stuff like this...

Even when it is eleventy billion degrees in here. (Note from Mom: current inside temperature is 79 degrees)

The good news is Mom is working from home tomorrow and Friday afternoons so she can have all the windows and doors open in the back of the house and the small AC unit going in the front of the house. I guess that is a good thing but I am going to go look into this further to be sure this isn't some strange sweat tent ritual Mom heard about on the news.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tanner Tuesday Time!!

WHATSUUUUUUP?!?!? So here at our house we have been watching that baseball and football and Joey's girlfriend SOPHIE came over and yelled at Joey which was SUPER.

Joey took her outside to see this very PRETTY sunset before I flew her home, so I think she left feeling ok about Joey making her watch those Steelers who TOTALLY won.

After Sophie left Joey got all super mopey and depressenated.

I mean really dude, try not to be such a drama queen?! LOL

While Joey was totally crying about his girlfriend I asked Mom for a snack and guess what she said OK!?

This is a nylabone that is eatable and has SPEAR MINTS in it to make your breath smell gooderest.

I dunno what a SPEAR MINT is but I like it for sure. Mom says too bad they don't make the air that comes out of my back end smell minty fresh. GROSS MOM. sheesh. That is all from Tan Torkelson this week my friends!!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Time with my Sophie

In case you didn't know Sophie got a brother and she hasn't really had time to blog much. I figured I could take advantage of Tanner's flying ability and spend the day with her.

I took her out to a very lovely breakfast. We had a great meal and lots of good conversation. Sophie then asked what we were doing next. Well, um, of course we are watching the Steelers?!?

Uhh she really ISN'T yelling at me here. And I am not really hiding here, just um, totally concentrating on her opinion.

She finally relented got super excited about watching the Steelers.

She got so excited she sort of slept through the first quarter. I am sure by the end of the game she will be cheering with me. um, I hope.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Laughing Matters...

So I am trying to NOT get mad at Dad for not totally cheering for those Yankees, and guess what comes in the mail today, a TWINS shirt he bought on e-bay?!!? I mean we are YANKEES fans Dad!!! I am cheering only for the Yankees since Dad seems to have mixed emotions. One thing we agree on is GO ANGELS! (sorry to all my great friends who are Red Sox fans - but you know how it is.)

Since I was disappointed in Dad, Mom said I could open some mail I got. Usually she saves this stuff for the weekends.

Oh look, its a card of 2 doggies playing in the snow. Wait, it looks more like one doggy getting totally MAULED in the snow...OMDOG its the Lacie Beast!!

Sure enough it was a thank you card for the pressies we sent them. As a 'thank you' she sent us this card which is a picture of her...

Um, gee thanks. The card also says to not turn it over or else...

OMDOG!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLROFLMAO!?! I blacked out the names to protect the innocent and then circled the most IMPORTANT PART!! LOLOL!! I am going to guess they will determine that Lacie poo does NOT smell like roses. This is a perfect cure for the Post Season stresses of a baseball fan. In fact...

I am going to put it right here for when I need a good laugh!!