Joe Stains

This is the blog of an angry old boston terrier. (and his little brother Tanner who gets to post every Tuesday)

Friday, February 29, 2008

I am honored to present this award....

We have been inspired by all of the great awards we get (that Mom is ever so lazy and slacking on posting about) to create a new award. This award is to be presented to a dog who is staining in the footsteps of the Stain Master, ya that is me, Joe Stains.

Some may wonder how a dog of such obvious distinction and intelligence could ever get stuck with a name that clearly implies bad behavior. Well, as my 9th birthday approaches I think its time to share with you all the story of why I am, and forever will be known as, Joe Stains.

When I was first brought home to live with my Dad my Mom was not my Mom because she hadn't rescued my Dad yet. Dad didn't really think that disciplining a young, handsome, awesome, wonderful terrier was really necessary. Therefore I was allowed to let my creative juices flow, so to speak. I mastered the art of the well placed pee stain, the perfectly orchestrated carpet crap and my 'piece de resistance' the paw print poo stains all over the back of the front door. I would leave poos under the front window of my grandparent's house so much that stains developed. Then a name developed and I was officially Joseph Stains. I would have probably become the most renowned pee and poo artist in history had fate not stepped in, and by fate I mean my Mom. Mom thought peeing and pooing on the floor was NOT art and was NOT how a dog should behave. A movement was soon brought to a screeching halt. (pun TOTALLY intended) Do not fear, I still get the itch and have to show my family my fabulous art skills, to remind them of what they have robbed the world of. I usually only do an exhibition about once a year.

That being said, all dogs need to let their inner artist out every once in a while, which is why we created the award. The first recipient of the Stain Award goes to



Here is your award.
stain award

This is a snippet of what transpired that made him the first recipient of the Stain Award.

"When she got home, she found that someone had peed on the new rug in the kitchen and not just a little pee. Keep in mind that a few days before, he ate his own crap and barfed it up, and the only way our dad knew it was barf was because it had green beans in it."

FABULOUS my friend. Bravo and congratulations!!!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sunlight on your Joe Stains

Thanks to you all for your nice words about Myron. Mom was sad because he really reminds her of growing up and her family and some of her family that is no longer around. We are feeling better today and there is a good and bad thing happening. It is starting to get warm here again. But then soon it will be HOT and we will not be able to go to the Boston Meet Ups or play in the yard.

Look at that! That is a bit over what it really was because it was in the sun but boy is it NICE out!!

See ya Mom, I am off to go check out this warm sun! (that is a nice butt shot for a certain lady friend of mine)

Aaaah it feels good to stretch those limbs, I am hoping the weather stays warm for Joey Palooza!!

See you dogs later I am going to enjoy this weather while it lasts. Soon it will be 110 degrees again.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Double Yoi! Almost wordless Wednesday, yinz.

Today the Steeler Nation lost the voice of the Steelers, the inventor of the terrible towel who united us under one golden yellow flag, the little man who made us laugh so much, Myron Cope.
I know this doesn't mean a lot to anyone outside of the fans of the Steelers but boy does it matter to us!

Picture 1528
As you can see I shed a tear for dear old Myron.

Thanks for the memories Myron!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

TANNER explains it ALL!

WHATSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So like LOTS of dogs say to JOE why don't you just get your OWN corns so that TANNER doesn't take it. BECAUSE even if Mom gave us each a corns I would want the one HE has because its better. That is how the rules go in our house. I just like to have what HE haves because if he haves it, it must be COOL, right?

Because ACTUALLY look at THIS:

That is THREE corns! My Uncle Dick who is the husband of Nice Aunt Patty who liked to call me SHI er poopy bird when I lived in OHIO boughted me THREE corns so I could never run out! That was nice of him even if he calls me funny names. SO that is why MOM doesn't give us each one corn because I always want the OTHER one!!!!!

NEXT I have to say that JOEY forgetted about something for Joey Palooza!!!!!!!

At Joey Palooza you need some BOOZA! OMDOG!! LOLOLOL That is so %$^*# funny!!! I lick my lips because I like me some of that BOOZA!

But SEARYOUSLY DONT DRINKS TOO MUCH OF THIS. The whole world will start to spinned around and then you go WUAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HUAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH and you barf all over the place! Then the next day it feels like Mango is sitting on your HEAD!

OK and then I just have ONE MORE thing to splain to you guys, you don't need to have teeth cleansers to have good breath, you just go on the table and eat that stuff by that candle. It is called Poe Purry. Its tasty and colorful and Mom gets so excited when I eat it, I bet becAuse it makes my breaths soo sweet!

Ok I am going to go yells at Joes so I can have that one cuz he has in his mouth!!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Be Prepared!

I hope you guys are getting ready for Joey Palooza! Ruby suggested we could use Aire Ruby to go somewhere to celebrate, like maybe to Sophie's house, but I had to think about it. I don't know if I could handle it there, it is like negative 30 gazillion degrees all the time. I think instead of a party all together Joey Palooza should be a time to party with your family! My family is pretty great, except for that Doofus. However, you must prepare your home for Joey Palooza! Tell your humans to make a list of the following MUST HAVE items!

You have to have cheese and salami. These items are necessary and required for my happiness. While this is a party for you and your family you are still celebrating JOEY PALOOZA. So if your parents say NO say JOE SAID SO!

SNACKS! You have to have chips and popcorn, it is absolutely required!!

BACON!!!!!!!!! Don't let them get that fake bacon or turkey bacon, you gotta have the real deal. I inspected this one and it is the good stuff!

WARNING: Prolonged exposure to unopened bacon can result in the following side effects!!




ok, whew, we barely came out of that one.

Finally, if you don't have any of this stuff, do not give up!!

There is always TAKE OUT! If your humans are still not buying this, show them this next picture.

I am THE JOE STAINS, look into my eyes, pick up the phone...order the food...

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Two can play this game...

Try getting your corn now, Doofus.

Happy Sunday!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Taking Care of Business

First of all, the Doofus is now sleeping on his toys to prevent me from trying to clean my teeth on them, he is such a BRAT

Next, don't forget to visit My City so I can get some industry going!

Finally what I really wanted to tell you about is the other night it stormed here out of nowhere. I am going to reenact the beginning part but then you will see a video of me TERRIFIED, the Doofus annoying me and Mom obviously not caring about me as she makes a movie about my fear. (There is no comforting Joey when he gets like this so don't buy into his dramatics. -Mom)

Ok so picture this as night time, use your imagination.

I was just laying around being sooo handsome. Twittering with Sophie, trying to forget about the Doofus...

When all of the sudden I hear a terrible thunder clap, BABOOOOM! Then it was raining sideways and it was terrible!!! So off I went to the bathroom where the following video was taken...

Mom gave me some Rescue Remedy so I calmed down and went to bed, but you must note that the pupperazzi cannot leave me alone and NEITHER CAN THAT DARN DOOFUS. Did you see him following me back and forth and being a pest!

Finally I would like to talk about my birthday. For those of you who do not know about me having horrible parents I provide you this excerpt from an old post to explain my birthday.

"And also, speaking of my birthday. Let me tell you how horrible my life is. My Dad, who has had me since I was 8 weeks old does NOT KNOW what my birthday is. My mom, who did not know me until I was 1 year old, can remember seeing my puppy papers and says my birthday is March 6th. Dad says March 9th. (mom would like to point out she is probably right and since she is typing we will humor her) So, why don't we just look on the puppy papers? WELL because they are at my grandparent's house in a box SOMEWHERE."

So the papers were never located so I declared March 6th-9th as JOEYPALOOZA. We will be celebrating this again this year but Mom said we cannot have another party at our house. She claims to have just found another hot dog piece in the couch cushions this past weekend from our Super Bowl party. Whatever. But I will be celebrating for sure, it is not every year you turn NINE!!!! I suggest you all plan to party at home and demand your parents provide you with extra treats on ALL DAYS of Joey Palooza!!! Get stocked up its coming soon!

Shaquille and Getting Busted with the Corn

Last night Shaq made his debut with the Phoenix Suns basketball team. I was right there to cheer him on. They didn't win but Shaq looked like he will fit in just fine.

The Doofus was busy being BAD as usual. Don't mind Dad, he likes to stack the cushions on himself, what a weirdo.

So today Mom decided to stay home to hang out with us. She said something about an upset stomach but, whatever, I am sure she is spending time in the bathroom just thinking about how lucky she is to have such a great dog.

I really am taking my VET's advice seriously because I don't want to go in for that cleaning.

I tried to give that corn a try to see how it cleans my teeth.

This is not bad at all!

I am trying to get those 'hard to reach spots' they always talk about on the commercials.

Uh oh, the Doof realized I have his corn. I am not doing anything over here Doofus!

CRAP he is on to me!!

Of course he ends up with the stinking corn, he is such a MENACE!!

Oh well, I will just stay over here and soak up some sun!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Stay of execution!

I went to the VET and I survived. I walked in and there were these two crazy rat terriers all jumping in my face and yelling at their Mom and being BAD. I just looked at them and was like, whatever, I am the best.

Finally this VET tech girl came out and was like, OMG didn't he have surgery on his paw, and I was like that was the DOOFUS FACE and I do NOT look like him at ALL. I almost took a dump on the floor right then and there. But then she asked how old I was and Mom said almost 9 and she said BOY do I look great for 9. (I think she was referring to your teeth, Joey -Mom) So she was digging around in my mouth and Mom showed her the GUNK in the front and she jammed her fingernail in my mouth and went SCRAPE and I went WTF?! Then she took me in the back to get the opinion of my VET (she was doing surgery!) and they continued to torture me and got most of the gunk out. They said I probably don't need to go for a cleaning for at least 6 months to a year. Mom was happy that they didn't charge us and I would have to agree since it was TORTURE. The VET also said to buy me more chew bones, maybe she is not so bad after all. SO we went to PetSmart WITHOUT the Doofus!!

I picked these chews because we can't have regular rawhide because the doofus tries to swallow it whole.

what else did I pick you might ask??


Hm, these sure are good, I made a good choice.

This tooth cleaning is better than that stinking teeth scraping the VET did.

Oh and Mom bought this for herself!

Ok I am off to go celebrate!!

Monday, February 18, 2008


We here at the house that STAINS built have not been sleeping so good thinking of those STinky #$%&* jerks that had Baby. Well she is now at home waiting to get MARRIED to Huskee. I am ALREADY married to LILLIE so I know how much that makes you feel gooderest in your heart!

So FINALLY we can do biiiiiig sleeps.

JOEY is not sleeping though, because he has to go to the VET on Wednesday!!! He sure is happy about BABY but now he is not happy about that VET.

Joey is like GRUMPY and so then I have to be hidingerest because then he will yell at me. SO everyone hope that the VET says JOEY needs just some teeth scrubs and some breath mints and NOT to be putting asleep for MAJOR woah cleaning!!!!!!!

I was just like OMDOG stop thinking so loud because I am trying to get some ^#*&#@* sleep over here!!!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

We just got the BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case you can't see the news update, BABY IS HOME!! BABY IS HOME!!!!!!!!


This is Tanner JOEY is like FROZEN cold so he is by the FIRE but I wanted to say that some DOGS were surprised about me being that good snowboardering dog. WELL I lived in Ohio for TWO years before I comes to Arzizona! There are lots of stufs I did before I moved here!!!

I played with these dudes a game about putting a big Orange ball in a bucket Made out of STring! It was one fun game!!!

I also played that BASENBALL game that Joey LOVES. I just can't tell about all that stuff and have to do pretendin to not know because I don't want to GO BACK to Ohio I like to live in this house with my Mom and Dad and JOEY.

OK BACK TO THE SLOPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Update from Mount Hairy Lodge

I am hanging out by the fire with Sophie and Archie, who can't play because he has to relax and heal. Its been a nice weekend away and I have no idea where the Doofus is...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentines Day...

We were supposed to be attending Baby and Huskee's wedding in addition to the ski party at Mount Hairy Lodge, but Baby is still missing. We think some meany has her and if that person doesn't return her soon I will be mailing you a box of poop everyday for the next 10 years.

We are still going to Mount Hairy Lodge, even if it is going to be FREEZING.

We have our coats, my sleeping bag, the doggy first aid kit (in case any dog has any ski injuries) and our favorite game Dogopoly. I dunno about you guys but I plan to spend most of my time in the lodge, so I thought a game was appropriate to help pass the time.

Tanner went on and on about how Lillie has a hurt leggy and cannot ski and maybe he should just go to Minnesota to be with his wife. Maybe Aire Ruby can let him parachute out or something??

ME? I have brought a very special 2005 Cotes Du Rhone (that is FRENCH!!!) for one Sophie La Brador. I sure hope she comes by this weekend...

Are you here yet Ruby????