Joe Stains

This is the blog of an angry old boston terrier. (and his little brother Tanner who gets to post every Tuesday)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tan Torkelson REPORTING!!!!!!!!

Hello, this is Tan Torkelson ACE STAR SUPER reporter for the um Torkelson Tribune. I have a BREAKING story to report here from um well, OUR house.

See this grumpy asshole dog to my left?? That dog had to go to THAT VET today because his stupid BUTT is still BROKEN and making lava instead of dog logs. You know what Joe said that VET said??

Joe said he has an attack of BACK TEARIAS in his Lower GI!!! WTF ?? Joe thinks he has a poor military soldier boy in his BUTT?? omdog this story is getting GOOD and joey has lost his MARBLES.

SO he said that VET game him Anti- Sykotic pills!! OMDOG MY BROTHER IS CRAAAAZY!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!? And guess what else he gets???

PASTA??? WTF?? I want some of that!!

So apparently to get GOOD food around here you have to imagine you have soldiers stuck in your butt and then get bad poos??

I sure hope they make a Lifetime TV movie about this story because this might be the biggest thing this reporter has EVER covered. What Joey?? It might be the LAST thing I cover?? hmph.

Don't listen to him, he is CRAZY!

Also, BOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

(Note from Mom: Joey still had less than firm poop so we took him to the vet, apparently has a lot of bacteria in his intestines but all the other results were fine. He has no parasites and nothing else alarming so he is on antibiotics and half food half pasta or rice for the next week.)

41 Stains:

Blogger Teddy said...

Yummy yummy!!! Joey you get the benefit of lava butt (how cool!) and pasta. How can you complain?? I just hope your tummy doesn't ache.

PS: It's a good idea to rub your bottom on everything inside the house after you have a squishy poopie. Just make sure your mom doesn't catch you.

7:53 PM  
Blogger TwoSpecialWires said...

Tan, YOU are the one who is going to have to tell Fergi that she has has a poor military soldier boy in her BUTT. I'm sure not telling her. And as soon as she finds out about the pasta, I think she'll have Mom running to the store.

Have you tasted the bitter pill yet? She was foaming at the mouth the first time she was sposed to swallow one. Now everything's good.

Hope your poo and your BEhind get better. Fast.

Jake (I'm leaving Fergi out of this!)

8:04 PM  
Blogger Lorenza said...

Hi, Tanner.... errrr... Tan Torkelson!
Thanks for the report!
I am sure those meds and the special diet will work for Joey!
Take care
Kisses and hugs

8:23 PM  
Blogger Moco said...

Poor Joey. It's the pits when your poo runs and runs. Hopefully GI Joe is deployed from his backside soon.

8:52 PM  
Blogger Emily and Ike said...

Yum! The super bitter pills! Ha! Happy drooling Joe man!

9:06 PM  
Blogger doyle and mollie said...

and we thought joeys pain in the butt was you - boiNG!!!

9:14 PM  
Blogger Stella said...

Maybe Joe could write a story about how much weight Tan Torkington has gained.

Looks like tons to me. Lets hear a story about that!


9:15 PM  
Blogger The Oceanside Animals said...

hello tanner its dennis the vizsla dog hay yoo shud ask yore mama and dada to throw sum bolognese sawse on that pasta before they giv it to yoo and joey!!! ok bye

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DUDE TANNER you get CUTER and CUTER every day. I am SO SO JEALOUS of your parents.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Huskee and Hershey said...

BOING Tanner.. BOING!!
Hey seriously, not sure if you guys get yoghurt in your daily diet, but my mom swears by it cos of Hershey! She's been getting a table spoon of it with her meal for the past 2 months and her poop is umm.. solid?!! She also had some funny bacteria in her tummy previously which caused the sploding butt.. BOING!!

11:52 PM  
Blogger Simba and Jazzi said...

Jazzi is having the same problem, Mummy is really hoping it is better today, she is not sure she can face the vet again! She has tried not feeding Jazzi, so maybe she'll try rice or pasta next. We think it would make great TV.

Simba and Jazzi xx

12:31 AM  
Blogger Mack said...

Maybe you could tell your mom your poos are lava-like and you will get some of that pasta!?

1:23 AM  
Blogger Dexter said...

Tanner, dude, you crack me up. Lava butt, huh? Sounds like a weapon of mass destruction. You better watch out. Have his farting skills improved as well?

The picture of his med sins is funny, the label says "Rhonda Canine" like your mom has lava butt or something.

Is your mom using baby wipes on his bottom to keep him fresh? Bet he loves that.

Anyhoo, I like your reports because you speak my language, little dude. That Joey is a bit too sophisticated for me.


P.S. Momma hopes Joey firms up soon.

3:04 AM  
Blogger NAK and The Residents of The Khottage Now With KhattleDog! said...

Another thing khaused by the


PeeEssWoo: I hope things firm up fur all of woo!

3:06 AM  
Blogger wally said...


Poor Stain Man! Perhaps you are just dabbling in a new medium (or not so new) and are making Jackson Pollack-like art? Do your peoples just not understand Abstract Expressionism?

I hope your butt is better but you should probably always get home cooked meals just to be certain.

wally t.

ps. My sissy has a touchy tum and she sometimes has to take something called "Perfect Form" (HA!) by Honest Kitchen.

3:16 AM  
Blogger Abby said...

Hi, Tanner...

Thanks for the report...

I hope the pasta & yucky pills help Joey...

Are you sure he thinks he has a military guy in his butt?? Do you think, maybe, the smarterest transfer thing worked in reverse??

Abby xxxooo

3:52 AM  
Blogger Peanut said...

Tan Torkelson once again you have made our boy laugh out loud.

4:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Tanner, poor Joey. We thought the new food was doing the trick. I'm glad the vet figured out what was wrong. (We're enjoying having your Dbacks here.)

See ya!

4:58 AM  
Blogger Gus said...

Poor Joey. We hope you are feeling betterrer soonest. We love the new diet, it is one of our favorites. We can send the recipe for pastina and egg if your mom wants to really coddle you. YMMMMM

teka toy

6:00 AM  
Blogger Princess Patches said...

That's a great report, Tan! Okay, not so great for Joey! We hope he gets that soldier out of his butt soon!

Poppy, Penny & Patches

6:11 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Great report, Tan! I am sorry about the army guy in Joey's butt... but I kinda think he's going to kick YOUR butt when he sees this post!

PS Have you seen your twinnerer's blog today? I think he needs some help from Tan Torkelson!!!!

6:27 AM  
Blogger Astrid Keel said...

Hm.... Tanner, think you can tell me how to a soldier up my bottom? I WANTA some pasta too!!!

6:58 AM  
Blogger Beckett said...

Maybe when Joey gets that stick - I mean army guy - out of his BUTT he won't be so grumpy.



7:03 AM  
Blogger Charlie Daniels said...

Tan, what a ripper of a report!

What noise does Lava Butt make! ;-)



7:38 AM  
Blogger Snowball said...


Poor Joey but with those good food I think its kind of worth it.

Boing! Boing! Boing!

Get well soon, Joey.

Boing! Boing! Boing!


8:34 AM  
Blogger Lady Kaos said...

Why is it you have to get sick for your parents to finally give you really yummy stuff to eat?
Good job reporting the story!

8:59 AM  
Blogger MJ's doghouse said...

do you get cheezy goodness on your pasta joe....i love kraft dinner...
tanner i like your news ....keep up the boinging good work...

10:00 AM  
Blogger Tee said...

Hehehe. You knows, Joey there is a real smart one benefiting from all that pasta and half rice. Maybe you could fake some ailment so your mom could cook you something nice too!

Good luck Tan!

licks and wags

Tuffy and the Dog WOods Pack

11:01 AM  
Blogger Martha said...

Poor Joey - we hope things get sorted out soon.
We did laugh at your antipsychotic medication!
Martha & Bailey xx

11:30 AM  
Blogger Deetz said...

So, if ya get the s**ts, you get pasta?....ummmm, I might have to try that one....
That was a great report Tan Torkelson

11:31 AM  
Blogger ♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥ said...

Poor Joey, but you can't beat getting pasta. Phantom just dies for pasta - any kind at all. If Mom would just put some sauce on it for him , he would be on cloud nine.

Has Joey tried adding some yogurt to his diet, that might help a bit.

Tan, great job reporting the big news, but we think Joey might prefer you find another "specimen" to report on. Boing!!!

woos, the OP Pack

12:23 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Anyways, hope Joe gets much better soon! Tanner, you did a great job reporting!

12:43 PM  
Blogger Nibbles Treats said...

Great post! Get well soon and send any left-over pasta our way. Soldiers in butts... hahahahahahahaha!!!

Tinkerbell, Oscar and Tucker

1:20 PM  
Blogger The Army of Four said...

That's a heck of a way to tool your mom out of cooking pasta for you!
Sure hope this clears up your problems, Joe!
Tail wags,

1:51 PM  
Blogger Lola Smiles said...

BOooooooING! You crazy Tanner - crazy!!

luv ya
Lola Smiles

PS. Big soft hugs to Joey baby.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Sophie Brador said...

That's the same kind of anti-B's I get when I get my IBS problems. I would like to be clear that I have never had a soldier up my butt, but I can pretty much guess what kind of crazy internet searches are going to land people on your blog after that Tan Torkelson report. Ha ha hahahahhaha


8:28 PM  
Blogger Lacey said...

We bet Joey can make some award winning stains with his runny poo!

Sorry about having to take meds, but at least you get to eat pasta. Seems like a fair trade to us!

ps. We think our girl might still feel a little guilty for starving us. We got scrambled egg yolks for dinner tonight. Yummm..

11:00 PM  
Blogger Morgan in Pittsburgh said...

You know, Tanner, what goes around comes around.. Is Joe "catchy"? those pills are awful! Maybe you could hide them in little rice balls or somethin'
your pal, Morgan

12:29 AM  
Blogger Duke said...

OMG, that's what we had for dindin last night with a garlic and oil sauce and it was yummy! Did you have garlic and oil sauce too, Joey?

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

3:05 PM  
Blogger Chef said...

Joey, I sure hope your backside's emptying out ok. Is that like GI Joe up your butt?? I'm afraid to ask. But anyway, Tanner, I think you gave us the poop on this story very well. So I'd move you up to city editor if it was my paper. Course, I don't have a paper, so I guess you're fired.


4:59 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

this post brought Tears to my eyes from LAUGHTER... how funny is this.. Poor lil Joey... omdog I'm still laughing.... soldier in his butt hahahaha! oh sheesh!

8:18 AM  

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